I'm useless when it comes to telling jokes, but I do know there's a lot of you out there with good tale to tell.

So come on lets have a joke per day sent in

to shopnorthcyprus@yahoo.co.uk but please remember there might be young children reading these pages so please keep them clean.



Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.


Many females use a drug on the market called "Beer."

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs". Beer is used by femalel predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to go home with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
 

After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of
exactly what happened to the night before, often with just a vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.


At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's
savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the
unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as "marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered by the predatory females.
 

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.


If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.


For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the  phone book.

For all my friends who sent me best wishes for 2006

it did ****** nothing at all

for 2007 could you please send either money, alcohol or petrol vouchers

Cheers

I went in the video shop and said " can I take out The Elephant Man ? "

he said, " He's not your type. I said " Can I have Batman Forever ? " 

he said no, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow !!!

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button !!

I went into a shop the other day and said, " can someone sell me a kettle
"  the bloke said "Kenwood" i said, "Where is he ? "

So I went in a pet shop and said, "can I buy a goldfish ?" the guy said,
" Do you want an aquarium ?" I said, " I don't care what star sign it is

I was reading this book the other day, The History Of Glue, I couldn't put it down !!

My mate asked me the other day " what do you think of voluntary work ??

I said " I wouldn't do it if you paid me "

So I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener, I said,
" you don't need a tin opener to peel a banana " he said, "No, this is for the tin of custard " 

So I told my girlfriend the other day I had a job in a bowling alley. she
said " Tenpin ? " I said " No its a permanent job "

So this cowboy walks into a German car showroom and says " Audi !! "

I bought a train ticket the other day and the chap said to me, " Eurostar?
" I said " well I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin !! "

 A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her
husband, "I look horrible.  I feel fat and ugly.  Pay me a
compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."

He never heard the shot.

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.


The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm

bears.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because eventually you get tested.

She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you murmur to yourself: "S**t, I wasn't listening...

Self-raising?"


I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout For Help".


Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.


Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.


It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.


I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.


If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire.

They're trained for that. 



My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.